I've spent years looking to find myself and constantly getting lost. I wandered around in circles, climbing down into pits of despair and climbing back out to soaring highs of distraction. I never managed to find her, and I still haven't.

I don't know if I should keep looking. The woman in the mirror seems happier than I ever remember being before but sometimes, just sometimes, the depth of her sadness seems a hundred times deeper than ever.

I want to find a solid identity but I am beginning to think that I don't have one. I am just a mass of contradictions, that occasionally can form coherent sentences. With effort and by enforced routines, I can be almost normal and function seamlessly for a while but before long everything crumbles back into the nothingness and I scramble to find the pieces that suddenly are gone again.

I don't often feel alone in the world, but I do feel aimless. Drifting along, with no destination, far too worried and caught up in the details to notice the big picture. Everyone says there is a big picture that you see if you just take the time to relax. Just breathe and sit in the sunshine, smell the rose etc. I just end up feeling tenser and tightly wound as the second tick by.

Somehow I even fail at doing nothing.

Perhaps what I am searching for doesn't exist. Maybe I am just lost and that is who I am. A constantly changing, newer me that is ethereal and so can never be contained. As I searched for meaning, and foundation, I simply frustrated myself.

After all, you simply can't find something that isn't there.


  1. I think the search is eternal, and futile. You're not the only person to have these feelings. But who are we really? We're so many things and I think once we have a good foundation (for me that's found in God), we'll be alright. It's not necessary or possible to know all things, even about ourselves.


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