I am moved to write about it today because way my emotions have been spiraling out of control.
I spent a good bit of Wednesday night feeling sorry for myself to the point of tears. I felt lonely and the weight of being an adult fully responsible for myself with no family or friends that I felt that I could fall back on if I really needed help was like a crushing weight.
In that moment I found myself thinking that in lieu of support from the outside I would have to prepare myself to wing it on my own. This was not a pleasant thought, and for me it was a very surprising feeling. I have always verbally treasured my independence.
I thought I was proud of it in fact but I realized in that moment that I was wearing it a a shield to cover how scared I felt at having to sort everything out on my own. I am blessed to still live at home but yet I am financially separated from my parents. I contribute to the household and beyond letting me be a tenant I would never expect my Father to help me with anything.
I looked to my finances for some sort of solace. Looking to my setup to see if I had adequately provided for strangers to be hired to, for instance, take me to doctor if I had no other option. The figures stare back at me and force me to face the truth. There is no amount of peace of mind that can be bought by being financially prepared because at the end of the day we are social creatures.
Everyone needs help sometimes and it is probably unfair of me to say that my friends an family will not help me. What I mean to say is that I don't feel like I have anyone here who would put me first, that I can really count on to do anything for me. I trust that my Grandmother would but she is in Philadelphia and I am here.
But I need to find some peace with-in myself. I am still searching for it. Sorry for being so low but I needed to get this out of my mind and in front of me so I can read it. I also hope that it reminds me how far I have come when I find a positive alternative for this feeling.