For Peace Sake
I am moved to write about it today because way my emotions have been spiraling out of control.
I spent a good bit of Wednesday night feeling sorry for myself to the point of tears. I felt lonely and the weight of being an adult fully responsible for myself with no family or friends that I felt that I could fall back on if I really needed help was like a crushing weight.
In that moment I found myself thinking that in lieu of support from the outside I would have to prepare myself to wing it on my own. This was not a pleasant thought, and for me it was a very surprising feeling. I have always verbally treasured my independence.
I thought I was proud of it in fact but I realized in that moment that I was wearing it a a shield to cover how scared I felt at having to sort everything out on my own. I am blessed to still live at home but yet I am financially separated from my parents. I contribute to the household and beyond letting me be a tenant I would never expect my Father to help me with anything.
I looked to my finances for some sort of solace. Looking to my setup to see if I had adequately provided for strangers to be hired to, for instance, take me to doctor if I had no other option. The figures stare back at me and force me to face the truth. There is no amount of peace of mind that can be bought by being financially prepared because at the end of the day we are social creatures.
Everyone needs help sometimes and it is probably unfair of me to say that my friends an family will not help me. What I mean to say is that I don't feel like I have anyone here who would put me first, that I can really count on to do anything for me. I trust that my Grandmother would but she is in Philadelphia and I am here.
But I need to find some peace with-in myself. I am still searching for it. Sorry for being so low but I needed to get this out of my mind and in front of me so I can read it. I also hope that it reminds me how far I have come when I find a positive alternative for this feeling.
I spent a good bit of Wednesday night feeling sorry for myself to the point of tears. I felt lonely and the weight of being an adult fully responsible for myself with no family or friends that I felt that I could fall back on if I really needed help was like a crushing weight.
In that moment I found myself thinking that in lieu of support from the outside I would have to prepare myself to wing it on my own. This was not a pleasant thought, and for me it was a very surprising feeling. I have always verbally treasured my independence.
I thought I was proud of it in fact but I realized in that moment that I was wearing it a a shield to cover how scared I felt at having to sort everything out on my own. I am blessed to still live at home but yet I am financially separated from my parents. I contribute to the household and beyond letting me be a tenant I would never expect my Father to help me with anything.
I looked to my finances for some sort of solace. Looking to my setup to see if I had adequately provided for strangers to be hired to, for instance, take me to doctor if I had no other option. The figures stare back at me and force me to face the truth. There is no amount of peace of mind that can be bought by being financially prepared because at the end of the day we are social creatures.
Everyone needs help sometimes and it is probably unfair of me to say that my friends an family will not help me. What I mean to say is that I don't feel like I have anyone here who would put me first, that I can really count on to do anything for me. I trust that my Grandmother would but she is in Philadelphia and I am here.
But I need to find some peace with-in myself. I am still searching for it. Sorry for being so low but I needed to get this out of my mind and in front of me so I can read it. I also hope that it reminds me how far I have come when I find a positive alternative for this feeling.
You sound so sad. I wonder if you've been the one to help your friends, but haven't established your own right to get help from them if needed? I get that feeling of fear about being responsible for yourself and not thinking there are other people who have your back. What about colleagues at work? are you in a knitting or weaving group, I wonder?that kind of fellow feeling can yield friendship and support. Just a few thoughts. I'll walk the labyrinth for your intentions,a thing I like to do for people in a hard place.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your kind reply and it means a lot to me that you would walk the labyrinth for me. I think the root of the problem is as you say that I have not established my own right to get help. Maybe I am being pessimistic and may even be doing my friends a disservice. Thanks for you thoughts; I need see the value that others place in my friendship and not focus on a negative outcome before even asking for any help.
ReplyDeleteI walked the labyrinth for you this morning. Since we are under floods, after a three day nor'easter, the physical labyrinth in the next town is under water! and roads between here and there are opening and closing as the water moves around. So I walked the finger labyrinth instead, the one that is based on the famous floor labyrinth of Chartres Cathedral.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I have come to realize that I undervalue myself and I project that on to people which isn't fair to them. I am going to spend some time focused more on being kind to myself.
ReplyDeleteI thought about this post for a few days and came back to tell you to do that very thing -- be kind to yourself. You've accomplished a lot but one of the things some of us get used to is doing stuff on our own and not allowing help in even when it's standing right in front of us. Life is scary at times, but you're never alone. (((hugs))).
DeleteA friend of mine asked me this question last year when I was allowing myself to become overwhelmed with life and not looking at the positives (including the people who were available to help me had I just opened myself to them) -- "how do you eat an elephant?" Thought it was a crazy question until she said "one bite at a time".
We'll always have insecurities, issues, fears, but on the flip side, we also have creativity, love, kindness, support, help and each problem or fear can only be dealt with one at a time. Be kind to yourself. (((more hugs)))
Thanks Nicky. I am realizing that being kind to myself is a habit I need to get into and you are right about having people right by me willing to help and not seeing them because I am so caught in my own angst.
DeleteThanks for the support.